I’m a man, in tech. I am also a feminist. I always tried to be an ally, to include women, to help them rise. When I had a startup, I tried to find women to work with. I also invited female founders to networking events. The thing that troubled me however was that very often the women would show up once and rarely again. UNLESS there was an event. It took me a long time to figure out why, and the reason is deep systemic sexism.
I noticed this pattern when running a startup happy hour in San Diego. Whether it was a few guys meeting for a beer at a bar or a larger event with a bunch of entrepreneurs or students grabbing a beer after class, the men would show up. They would show up regardless of how many people might be there, even if it was just me and one other person, it would still be a good chat, something productive would be discussed. However, no matter how the ratio was of women to men for invites, almost always only men showed up. I saw the same pattern in business school where if an invite went out to women to work on homework, the majority signed up. If there was a speaker, they showed up.
To be honest, I was frustrated. I thought: “how can you be angry at the low numbers of women in tech and startups and board rooms when you do not do the one thing that is the requirement to get there: networking”.
I asked some women why they don’t come (notice I didn’t ask what can I do to get them to come). One response was that women don’t have time for these functions, they need something where they will learn something, where it is worth their time. I pushed back: the men who came to the events were family men, executives, startup entrepreneurs. These men were no less busy than the women I invited, who by and large were single without children. They have no excuse!
I discussed this issue with a female professor, I discussed this issue with men and with women. Then one day, over a beer with alumni from business school, I thought of it from an evolutionary point of view, and I got the idea, that what if I am fighting is human nature. Men are evolved to work in groups. To bring in meat, to hunt, men had to work together, men had to go out and get the game in groups because you can’t bring an antelope home alone. Women on the other hand were gatherers. Gathering on the other hand is a solitary job, that doesn’t require many people. Furthermore, men create more protection in a group. A single, strong man is vulnerable against two or three. A single woman is vulnerable. A group of women is even more vulnerable as they attract more men.
This is an attractive idea if you ignore all the men who are not hunters, who are introverts (which is most), and all the women who are type-A go-getters (probably 50%). After all, that was imaginary then and this is the real now, women should understand that the way to get ahead today requires networking and meeting up with people to rise up. Seems logical.
And then I thought from another point of view: how many times have I seen men make passes at women at these events, how many times have I seen women less than comfortable or misunderstood or pressured. A networking event makes it difficult for women to get away from unwanted attention. A public event on the other hand where someone gives a talk is much safer; as they can leave if it is over or stay if they feel like it.
This is logical too and yet, the argument is usually made that if you want to win the game you gotta play ball. The argument is that lots of men are not natural at networking and have commitments and yet they make the effort, they go to these networking events and rise up in the organizations and careers. But that’s not really true. Plenty of men never network, but work their hours and go home and the few that are ambitious make the effort to build relationships and try to get ahead. The men that don’t make the effort often get angry at being passed over for the job instead of understanding that face time with a boss is more important than sitting at the desk and working hard. So you’d think that same happens with women: they work hard and wonder why they are passed over to a younger and more charismatic male. And that’s partially true, except it is still not fair.
It is not fair because going out for dinner or beers with a male coworker a boss doesn’t have to explain to his wife why he met a female coworker. HR has plenty of stories of meetings like this that occur with less than innocent intentions. The meetups and networking are what works for men, not how things work for women. As a result, this whole system is designed by men for men and so it is totally unfair to expect women to change and for us not to if we want more women to rise and contribute. So what to do about a sexist system?
This means that if we want talented women to get ahead and be in positions of influence then we need to do that which makes them feel comfortable, make the system of rising up gender-neutral, even if it means that we have to be a little bit uncomfortable. And that means more speakers, more events so that women can develop relationships. Hire more women so women can have happy hours with female coworkers and have face time with a female boss that won’t create issues. It also means creating review systems that take into account contribution, not how many times the boss went to play golf with the employee.
This of course is harder, but not if you include the women in the planning portions: because while men hunt, the women gather, and you need both to have a strong tribe.
